Pornography used to be somebody else's problem. Distant and separate from my existence and those that I love, it was hardly a second thought. Cruising carelessly along the highway of life, however, I suddenly found myself careening into a stone wall of reality; pornography is a pervasive disintegration of society from which none can hide.

The theory that the tiny flapping of a butterfly's wings may ultimately influence the direction of a tornado is the most fitting analogy for the course of destruction that pornography took as it trampled through my life.

I used to be beautiful. Women everywhere probably share this sentiment. Usually, Father Time is the thief of beauty who leaves wrinkled skin and grey hair in his wake. In my case, it was the crippling effects of pornography that sneaked into my psyche one summers day, and slipped silently away, dragging the remnants of my identity behind him.

Finding out that the man you love is addicted to pornography is a little like being thrown head long into an ice cold river—without enough notice to gasp your last breath. Left suddenly to inadequate resources and in unknown territory, I floundered. It was a regular day. I hadn't expected to find myself sorting through the cob-webbed covered chambers of a secret fixation; especially a fixation that wasn't mine. As the images of women I could not ever be leapt off of the monitor and burrowed themselves into my brain—something snapped. Burned into my memory, these women who had stolen the infatuation of my best friend, became voices in my head.

I should have seen things clearly. However, at times like this in life, I think we rarely do. In a tempest of pulsating emotion we do our best simply to survive. For some reason, as the weight of the shocking discovery set in—it became my problem, not his. My responsibility—not his. That night, as we held each other and sobbed, I doubt he'd ever guess that I was wracked with guilt. The sun set that day as the almost undetectable beating of a butterfly's wings, and the course was set in motion.

I am sure as I awoke on that morning in mid-July of 2007 that in the eyes of any other I appeared the same as the day before. But to me, the lens through which I saw the world and everything in it had changed. I was hideous. I felt a tortured soul trapped in a skin of disappointment and shame. Those women who had taken up residence in every corner of my mind became the standard. Anything less was unacceptable. Obsession was born. They sat there, in my brain, dripping in beauty and sexiness. They scoffed at every calorie consumed, every misplaced curve. They would slink around the apartment, waiting to snicker at a glimpse of my body sneaking by the mirror on my way to the shower. My sense of self was shattered, and my relationship in shambles. I would do anything to be like them. And I tried.

Those times were dark. As I spiraled downward into a nightmare of self-deprecating gloom, the habits I developed to cope with this newfound "reality" were grim. I trudged through the valleys of self-harm and abuse. I sat in many a counselor's office, grappling with the chasms between my reality and one where the rest of the world seemed to reside. Though the idea is still a painful one to swallow, I had a new label to attach to my withering sense of self: Bulimic. In my quest for beauty and acceptance, I had resorted to means that were anything but glamorous.

Many seasons have come and gone since the summer of distorted perceptions. The journey has been extensive, excruciating, and exhausting, and I still have not arrived. Rebuilding reality is tedious. Constantly, a battle rages within my mind. However, through the love and patience of those that care for me, I have begun, once again, to see myself the way they do. Those taunting voices still speak up, but I have finally found my courage, and this time I talk back. I am slowly becoming the woman I used to be. Just yesterday, I could have been found dancing around my room. And you know what? I felt pretty damn sexy.

-Mellissa

"When I was younger, pornography was something that I knew about, but assumed I wouldn’t ever be affected by it. As I continued through my teenage years, I started to notice that it was everywhere, and that it influenced so many more people than I had originally assumed. My first boyfriend even confessed during our relationship that he was a porn addict. As I heard his words, I felt like I had been hit by a train. I was frightened. When he looked at me… was he seeing someone else? These fears began to take over my mind. It not only messes with the mind of the viewer, but also the minds of everyone close to them. It hurts.

Pornography destroys relationships bringing with it lying, objectifying, and unreasonable or delusional expectations. The fake scenarios that are viewed skew reality, dull the senses, and build a barrier for healthy relationships. It’s not real. What is real is the person with you that you love and care about more than anything. Don’t put pornography in front of them. Don’t let it ruin your relationships, or the relationships you may have in the future. There is hope, you can always overcome this addiction! With a strong desire to change, and support of those who love you, pornography can be out of your life forever. There is nothing more beautiful than a relationship with trust, loyalty, and love."

- Coral

My first encounter with pornography has very much to do with how I learned about sexuality. At the age of 11 or so, I started to feel myself being attracted to sexual images on magazines and on TV. I started to purchase swimsuit magazines and one day I picked up a pornographic magazine with erotic stories.  The shocking stories I read in that magazine were how I first learned about sex. Come to think about it, my addiction started immediately after I purchased that magazine. I didn’t know it then but I began to purchase more of these magazines. I would read them secretly in my room and stash them under my bed. I don’t really understand why I was so interested in this. Throughout my teenage years, I would read these dirty magazines and masturbate on a regular basis.

I really didn't think it was an issue because every guy friend I knew was doing this.  However, when I met my wife, everything started to changed.  She is very religious and associated my dirty habit with cheating.  We had many fights because of this and I would lie to her just to hide the habit. I would advise anyone that if you watch porn on a regular basis, you have a problem!  I started a recovery program 27 days ago and I learned so much about myself! I was using pornography as an escape from life and I didn't realize it. Most people would associate pornography addicts with the losers in our society who have no future and no life. I am the opposite of this perception. I have a successful career, wonderful wife, and drive an expensive car. However, I would give away all I have in exchange for a chance to start over again and learn about healthy sexuality and stay away from pornography.

Being an eternal optimist, I always think that I can just cure my addiction with my will power and one day it'll go away. My recovery program has helped me to slowly understand my addiction and put me on the right path. If anyone is looking for some motivations to change, through my recovery program I have discovered the following:

• The true meaning of pure love and healthy sexuality.
• An increase of energy.
• An increase in your focus to do the other tasks in your life.
• An ability to better relate with other people.
• Peace of mind.
• The ability to face any obstacles in life. (If you can beat your porn addiction, there isn't anything you can't do!)
• A much better relationship with your spouse.

I now look back and see that I have be living my life at 50% of my capacity. I can't wait to see how much my life will improve after I completely beat my porn addiction!

-Clark

I was introduced to sexuality quite early in my life. When exposed to pornography a few years later my guard was already down and I was easily desensitized to it’s graphic nature. It quickly led to self abuse and further desensitization. I also found during this time that pornography was a lot more available than I had thought....you could find it almost anywhere. This, in itself, became a quest to be able to find it and "check it out.” In those days most people with pornography kept it hid well so it became a game to me that had very stimulating results. I knew it was bad and kept me away from being what I could be and doing what I knew I should be doing.

It was with determined, gut wrenching effort that I could fight it off for periods of time, sometimes for years at a time. My arrogance and pride would lead me to believe that I had kicked the problem, however, temptation would broadside me and remind me of my weaknesses. I hated myself more each time I indulged and felt that God, my family, and others hated me too. About this time life got really stressful; work was stressful, family life got stressful. I felt I had lost the ability to control anything in my life. The stress led to very little sleep and health problems. Eventually doctors and drugs were needed to treat my stress and anxiety. God, family, and others came to my aid, providing me with hope. I was married to a wonderful woman who had helped me believe in myself again and filled me with hopes and dreams and even a greater desire to overcome my pornography addiction. I didn't hide it anymore. I was an addict and needed help.

Finally, I was led to a recovery program. I learned what was causing the addiction and steps I could take to answer the relentless temptations. I faced the facts of my addiction and it's unacceptable costs. I looked long and hard at what I was losing because of my problem. Perhaps the biggest thing I learned was I did not need to be perfect. I accepted the fact that it took me years to develop my addiction and it may take years to get to where I want to be...but if I can see real progress and have someone coaching me along the way, without judgment, I can make the choices that will allow me to stand up after each slip. Am I perfect...NO! Happy YES! Today I take no medications for stress or depression after 20 plus years of doing so. Do I still have stress? Yes. When temptation reaches its boiling point I still self medicate, but not with pornography. I simply count all the great blessings and successes I enjoy in this moment of this hour in this day....

-Bruce

I had just turned 21 when I was first affected by pornography. I had been dating a boy for about 5 months, and we were hoping to marry in the near future. Earlier on in the relationship, he opened up to me about his long past with pornography. He also let me know that it was no longer a problem because he had overcome his addiction. I felt proud of him for his accomplishment, and never felt threatened by his past.

With time, our relationship changed and felt much different than it did in the beginning. Selfishness and disrespect had begun to take place in the relationship. I found myself in tears more often, and wished that I could feel more love from him. I didn’t understand why things had suddenly changed.

One day, I was at his house using his computer. I made an innocent joke regarding websites, and his defensive reaction to my words made me realize that he had been looking at pornography. I began questioning him to see if he would confess. He kept lying saying he wasn’t looking at it, but with my persistence he finally admitted to it. Immediately, I felt sickened and hurt.

The following weeks I consistently followed up with him hoping for a change. Unfortunately, his answers would only cause me to hurt and feel sick again. I began feeling less about myself every day. I didn’t want him to need the pornography. I just wanted him to need me, and to treat me with love and respect.

After a couple weeks of this, we did eventually break up. However, the hurt and damage caused from this relationship haunted me for years. I started to fear that if I didn’t stay skinny or look good, then my future husband would leave me for someone else, or pornography. These thoughts left me obsessing over my image. There were countless nights I cried and felt depressed. I no longer had the confidence that I once had. About a year after the incident, I realized I had a problem. I relocated, and with the love of family and friends, I was able to pull myself out depression. 

Although I was happier, I still felt self conscious of my body image. Within another couple of years, I gained some weight and became extremely fearful of this.  I was angry at myself and felt that I needed to be skinny again. I developed an eating disorder, and started to have more emotional problems. After talking with my therapist, we realized that the cause of my behavior led back to my relationship that was affected by pornography. 

With time, I did over come my eating disorder. I now take care of myself for me, and I’ve stopped worrying about whether or not I’m good enough for someone else. I’ve stopped blaming myself for someone else’s actions. I feel grateful every day that I was able to overcome the hurt and damage from pornography. I am able to sense signs of pornography in others, and hope that they too can become free of the damage it may be causing.

-Kimberly