My history with pornography started after someone threw their large collection of nearly thirty soft-core pornographic magazines in the tall grass on the side of the road, and I found it. As an eight year old boy, I was very curious, very excited, and very aroused. Attempting to gain social acceptance and notoriety, I invited my classmates and friends over to view the pornography. A few weeks later, my parents discovered the two separate and isolated piles of magazines that I had concealed. I was grounded for two weeks during summer vacation.
Sex was not a topic that was openly discussed in my family and I grew up in silence, believing that I was a bad person for having the desires and feelings that I did. In my youth, I found catalogs and magazines with photos of women in lingerie and fantasy artwork to stimulate my pleasures and sexual fantasies. I found pornographic magazines in my older brother’s room that I latched onto. By the time I realized how strong the addiction that I had to pornography was, I literally had given up my own personal power to it. Many of my daily decisions revolved around when I would view pornography. I felt weak and self-loathing.
Emerging in my childhood and into teen years, I took out my sexual curiosities and frustrations on others. I attempted to gain control over their lives, because I felt out of control of my own. Rather than feeling remorse for my behaviors, I was scared that I would get caught and punished. I stopped my abusive actions to protect myself and fell deeper into pornography and self-hatred. Months prior to reaching age 22, afraid, empty and alone, I held a gun to the side of my head. Right then, one question resonated in my mind, “What if…” What if my life improved? What if I could change? What if I found someone who loved me? What if I could love someone? What if I wasn’t always going to feel so alone? What if, what if, what if…? I laid the gun down and cried myself to sleep that night.
Just a few months later, my life did take a turn for the better. I began to make new friends and learned new concepts from successful people. I started into self-development programs and books. But still, I couldn’t shake the habits and addictions to porn that I had formed for nearly 15 years. I attempted to quit several times, throwing my porn away, only to find myself digging through the dumpster at 3 am looking to save my porn materials. My desire to quit masturbation was also very strong. In several attempts to quit, I had been physically self-destructive, hoping that the pain would cause me to stop masturbating. One thing kept me positive about it though; I had stopped smoking after a 5 year habit. I believed that if I could quit smoking, I could quit pornography.
Much of the porn that I viewed at this time was of women that I perceived could make a good wife, and a good sex partner. I got married at age 27, and I believed that if I had a good marriage and a committed sexual partner that I would stop using pornography. My honeymoon and marriage were empty and unsatisfying as I attempted to have my now ex-wife satisfy my insatiable sexual fantasies. Owning a computer and having access to the Internet made quitting next to impossible. For the next three years, many of my daily behaviors secretly revolved around masturbation and viewing porn, keeping the secret from my ex-wife. Soon the history of my sexual abusive behaviors and porn addiction became public. When I informed my ex-wife that I had been viewing pornography the duration of our marriage, I may just as well have called her a barrage of insults and told her that she was fat, ugly, and incapable of ever pleasing anyone sexually, which she was not.
Following a series of court appearances, therapy sessions, psychological tests, humiliating sexuality tests, I admitted to things my addiction had led me to do in my younger years. I was prosecuted and sentenced to serve a 4 year Prison sentence. 12 years had passed since I committed the crime. I was able to unload the secret emotional burdens I had been carrying around for so many years. I was no longer running away from my past and afraid that others would find out about my behaviors and addictions. It was like a stick of dynamite in my family. I believe that it would have been much easier on everyone in my life if I had opened up and shared with them when I was younger.
Before going to prison, I stopped masturbating. After nearly 3-1/2 years, and while I was still in prison, I shared the length of time I had gone without masturbating with one guy who was in there for murder. His response was that there must be something seriously wrong with me to go that long. The next day, he came up and said that he admired me for having quit for so long. He said that couldn’t do that and had given up his will to do so.
I have since been released from prison and completed therapy. I’ve remarried and have children. I am turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones. I am hopeful that my life-lessons can serve others. In sharing my experiences, I know that others can benefit who may feel completely alone, living a secret, and even living a lie. Life hasn’t been the easiest for me or my family since then. For me, many of my choices in life have limitations because of the felony on my record, or my status as a sex-offender on the registry. I’ve lost jobs due to my history or had certain restrictions in my employment. I’ve lost friends because of it also. My wife and kids are affected almost daily. If I can spare someone from this pain by simply being open about my history; if I can prevent just one person from being abused; prevent just one person from being addicted to pornography; assist just one person making a healthier choice in life; I hope to make a difference in this world.



