My history with pornography started after someone threw their large collection of nearly thirty soft-core pornographic magazines in the tall grass on the side of the road, and I found it. As an eight year old boy, I was very curious, very excited, and very aroused. Attempting to gain social acceptance and notoriety, I invited my classmates and friends over to view the pornography. A few weeks later, my parents discovered the two separate and isolated piles of magazines that I had concealed. I was grounded for two weeks during summer vacation.

Sex was not a topic that was openly discussed in my family and I grew up in silence, believing that I was a bad person for having the desires and feelings that I did. In my youth, I found catalogs and magazines with photos of women in lingerie and fantasy artwork to stimulate my pleasures and sexual fantasies. I found pornographic magazines in my older brother’s room that I latched onto. By the time I realized how strong the addiction that I had to pornography was, I literally had given up my own personal power to it. Many of my daily decisions revolved around when I would view pornography. I felt weak and self-loathing.

Emerging in my childhood and into teen years, I took out my sexual curiosities and frustrations on others. I attempted to gain control over their lives, because I felt out of control of my own. Rather than feeling remorse for my behaviors, I was scared that I would get caught and punished. I stopped my abusive actions to protect myself and fell deeper into pornography and self-hatred. Months prior to reaching age 22, afraid, empty and alone, I held a gun to the side of my head. Right then, one question resonated in my mind, “What if…” What if my life improved? What if I could change? What if I found someone who loved me? What if I could love someone? What if I wasn’t always going to feel so alone? What if, what if, what if…? I laid the gun down and cried myself to sleep that night.

Just a few months later, my life did take a turn for the better. I began to make new friends and learned new concepts from successful people. I started into self-development programs and books. But still, I couldn’t shake the habits and addictions to porn that I had formed for nearly 15 years. I attempted to quit several times, throwing my porn away, only to find myself digging through the dumpster at 3 am looking to save my porn materials. My desire to quit masturbation was also very strong. In several attempts to quit, I had been physically self-destructive, hoping that the pain would cause me to stop masturbating. One thing kept me positive about it though; I had stopped smoking after a 5 year habit. I believed that if I could quit smoking, I could quit pornography.

Much of the porn that I viewed at this time was of women that I perceived could make a good wife, and a good sex partner. I got married at age 27, and I believed that if I had a good marriage and a committed sexual partner that I would stop using pornography. My honeymoon and marriage were empty and unsatisfying as I attempted to have my now ex-wife satisfy my insatiable sexual fantasies. Owning a computer and having access to the Internet made quitting next to impossible. For the next three years, many of my daily behaviors secretly revolved around masturbation and viewing porn, keeping the secret from my ex-wife. Soon the history of my sexual abusive behaviors and porn addiction became public. When I informed my ex-wife that I had been viewing pornography the duration of our marriage, I may just as well have called her a barrage of insults and told her that she was fat, ugly, and incapable of ever pleasing anyone sexually, which she was not.

Following a series of court appearances, therapy sessions, psychological tests, humiliating sexuality tests, I admitted to things my addiction had led me to do in my younger years. I was prosecuted and sentenced to serve a 4 year Prison sentence. 12 years had passed since I committed the crime. I was able to unload the secret emotional burdens I had been carrying around for so many years. I was no longer running away from my past and afraid that others would find out about my behaviors and addictions. It was like a stick of dynamite in my family. I believe that it would have been much easier on everyone in my life if I had opened up and shared with them when I was younger.

Before going to prison, I stopped masturbating. After nearly 3-1/2 years, and while I was still in prison, I shared the length of time I had gone without masturbating with one guy who was in there for murder. His response was that there must be something seriously wrong with me to go that long. The next day, he came up and said that he admired me for having quit for so long. He said that couldn’t do that and had given up his will to do so.

I have since been released from prison and completed therapy. I’ve remarried and have children. I am turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones. I am hopeful that my life-lessons can serve others. In sharing my experiences, I know that others can benefit who may feel completely alone, living a secret, and even living a lie. Life hasn’t been the easiest for me or my family since then. For me, many of my choices in life have limitations because of the felony on my record, or my status as a sex-offender on the registry. I’ve lost jobs due to my history or had certain restrictions in my employment. I’ve lost friends because of it also. My wife and kids are affected almost daily. If I can spare someone from this pain by simply being open about my history; if I can prevent just one person from being abused; prevent just one person from being addicted to pornography; assist just one person making a healthier choice in life; I hope to make a difference in this world.

Entrepreneur, athlete, friend, brother, uncle, addict. These are all words that describe me. The word that jumps at you most is probably ‘addict’. It’s an ugly word and an even uglier condition. But that’s what I am. An addict. It took me more than 10 years to admit it. But this isn’t a story about addiction; it’s a story about love and recovery.

The famed classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson depicts the struggle of a man with two personalities. One man good, the other one evil: "With every day, and from both sides of my intelligence, the moral and the intellectual, I thus drew steadily nearer to the truth, by whose partial discovery I have been doomed to such a dreadful shipwreck: that man is not truly one, but truly two."

At first Dr. Jekyll appears in control of Mr. Hyde. Over time Mr. Hyde gains control over the man. So it is with addiction. The addict in me exercised poor judgment, lacked feeling, and was full of fear.

For many years I believed my issues with pornography and its associated behaviors were merely occasional mistakes or weaknesses in my life. I never considered myself a “sex addict.” I lived a life in denial of my behavior.

My addict caused my relationships to be formed on a foundation of sand, making it impossible for true love to blossom into something that could last a lifetime. When I refer to my addict, I do not mean to place blame on something abstract or impersonal. Turning to pornography was my choice and my way of numbing the pain in my life.

One day I met a girl and quickly developed feelings for her. Over time, the relationship experienced painful moments (along with happy ones) but I never allowed myself to change. Fear of my inadequacy caused resentment toward her and an inability to truly see the good.

Addiction deadens emotions. Love is felt less deeply, pain is suppressed, and feelings are not communicated properly. Once my addiction was discovered and the horror of my denial came fully into view, the relationship quickly decayed until one day it ended. My addict would not allow me to fight back. The fear I felt that I would one day have to be a father and husband was so great that I retreated and left the relationship behind.

The months passed and I grew weary of my addict. The pain of what I lost grew inside of me. During the same time, I discovered the business I started years earlier was feeding my addiction. At work I felt like a failure. I felt frustration, worry, and helpless. I fed my addiction to ease the pain. One day I decided to quit. I quit my business, and decided to fight my addiction head on. I didn’t want my dreams jeopardized any longer.

Several weeks after making steady progress, I saw the girl again. This time my feelings were real. I felt true love for the first time in a long time. I realized I was capable of anything.

I said this story was about love and recovery, but it’s not a love story. The relationship did not work out, but a seed of hope was planted in my heart. Love for myself grew. I realized how badly I was harming myself. I decided to be sober. My sobriety is motivated by love. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. My future appeared brighter and my goals appeared within reach. Nothing seemed impossible. Through constant effort, therapy, and living one day at a time, I fought my addict into submission. I locked him in a cage never to be let out again.

Love for others and oneself gives me great power over sex addiction. Other words that describe me: Future father, husband, and recovered addict. I feel like my true self now and with that anything is possible.

-MHT

"I’m a recovering addict of hard drugs and have experienced firsthand the physical and mental damage it causes in one’s life. I feel lucky to be alive. Through my experiences, my perception of pornography has taken a very different turn. I would have never considered pornography consumption an ‘addiction’ or a ‘drug,’ until I personally found its effects and patterns to be almost identical to those of ‘real’ drugs.

Because of my drug addiction, indulging in pornography didn’t seem like a problem. After all, it was a ‘natural’ part of life, plus I wasn’t using ‘drugs’ (as I knew them) anymore...it’s not like pornography could kill me or hurt anyone, right? What I realized (after it was too late) is that pornography had become a very real addiction with very real effects, some almost identical to hard drugs. I wasn’t sticking needles in me, but I got to the point I could no longer look at an attractive women as a human being, only as an object to pursue or a trigger to act out. I was no longer living life in control, and the more I indulged the more this insatiable appetite progressed.

I didn’t see it as similar to a substance drug addiction until I tried to stop. One afternoon I saw a woman that set me off and I ‘had to’ have it. I started seeking out pornography and found myself physically shaking uncontrollably! I hurried to a computer and could barely hang on to the mouse because it was so bad. I didn’t care about anything else, all I wanted was pornography or sex no matter what I had to do to get it. I couldn’t believe it, I was experiencing something almost identical to physical drug withdrawal. I had lost complete control over myself and was being consumed by this addiction. Unfortunately, that experience was only the beginning. It has taken me many more years to pull out of my pornography addiction than it did the substance based drugs I struggled with. Did it hurt or kill anyone? The damage and hurt this has brought to my wife and kids was nearly irreparable. There were many times through this whole experience that I felt I’d be better off taking my own life because I just couldn’t get back the life I once knew. (So much for good old harmless entertainment).

Almost everyone knows sticking a heroin needle in your arm isn’t good for you, but knowing personally that pornography can be comparably as addictive as ‘hard’ drugs, my advice to anyone that wants a real satisfying life is to avoid pornography at all costs. If you find you’re already stuck in it, get out and get help. It will never satisfy you and only gets worse. Fortunately, the same principles of recovery from drugs or alcohol apply for this addiction as well. As for me, being free from this and everything else has made my life, family, and marriage better than it has ever been before. The struggle to free myself from these addictions has been much more worth it than I would have imagined."

-Matt

Pornography used to be somebody else's problem. Distant and separate from my existence and those that I love, it was hardly a second thought. Cruising carelessly along the highway of life, however, I suddenly found myself careening into a stone wall of reality; pornography is a pervasive disintegration of society from which none can hide.

The theory that the tiny flapping of a butterfly's wings may ultimately influence the direction of a tornado is the most fitting analogy for the course of destruction that pornography took as it trampled through my life.

I used to be beautiful. Women everywhere probably share this sentiment. Usually, Father Time is the thief of beauty who leaves wrinkled skin and grey hair in his wake. In my case, it was the crippling effects of pornography that sneaked into my psyche one summers day, and slipped silently away, dragging the remnants of my identity behind him.

Finding out that the man you love is addicted to pornography is a little like being thrown head long into an ice cold river—without enough notice to gasp your last breath. Left suddenly to inadequate resources and in unknown territory, I floundered. It was a regular day. I hadn't expected to find myself sorting through the cob-webbed covered chambers of a secret fixation; especially a fixation that wasn't mine. As the images of women I could not ever be leapt off of the monitor and burrowed themselves into my brain—something snapped. Burned into my memory, these women who had stolen the infatuation of my best friend, became voices in my head.

I should have seen things clearly. However, at times like this in life, I think we rarely do. In a tempest of pulsating emotion we do our best simply to survive. For some reason, as the weight of the shocking discovery set in—it became my problem, not his. My responsibility—not his. That night, as we held each other and sobbed, I doubt he'd ever guess that I was wracked with guilt. The sun set that day as the almost undetectable beating of a butterfly's wings, and the course was set in motion.

I am sure as I awoke on that morning in mid-July of 2007 that in the eyes of any other I appeared the same as the day before. But to me, the lens through which I saw the world and everything in it had changed. I was hideous. I felt a tortured soul trapped in a skin of disappointment and shame. Those women who had taken up residence in every corner of my mind became the standard. Anything less was unacceptable. Obsession was born. They sat there, in my brain, dripping in beauty and sexiness. They scoffed at every calorie consumed, every misplaced curve. They would slink around the apartment, waiting to snicker at a glimpse of my body sneaking by the mirror on my way to the shower. My sense of self was shattered, and my relationship in shambles. I would do anything to be like them. And I tried.

Those times were dark. As I spiraled downward into a nightmare of self-deprecating gloom, the habits I developed to cope with this newfound "reality" were grim. I trudged through the valleys of self-harm and abuse. I sat in many a counselor's office, grappling with the chasms between my reality and one where the rest of the world seemed to reside. Though the idea is still a painful one to swallow, I had a new label to attach to my withering sense of self: Bulimic. In my quest for beauty and acceptance, I had resorted to means that were anything but glamorous.

Many seasons have come and gone since the summer of distorted perceptions. The journey has been extensive, excruciating, and exhausting, and I still have not arrived. Rebuilding reality is tedious. Constantly, a battle rages within my mind. However, through the love and patience of those that care for me, I have begun, once again, to see myself the way they do. Those taunting voices still speak up, but I have finally found my courage, and this time I talk back. I am slowly becoming the woman I used to be. Just yesterday, I could have been found dancing around my room. And you know what? I felt pretty damn sexy.

-Mellissa

"When I was younger, pornography was something that I knew about, but assumed I wouldn’t ever be affected by it. As I continued through my teenage years, I started to notice that it was everywhere, and that it influenced so many more people than I had originally assumed. My first boyfriend even confessed during our relationship that he was a porn addict. As I heard his words, I felt like I had been hit by a train. I was frightened. When he looked at me… was he seeing someone else? These fears began to take over my mind. It not only messes with the mind of the viewer, but also the minds of everyone close to them. It hurts.

Pornography destroys relationships bringing with it lying, objectifying, and unreasonable or delusional expectations. The fake scenarios that are viewed skew reality, dull the senses, and build a barrier for healthy relationships. It’s not real. What is real is the person with you that you love and care about more than anything. Don’t put pornography in front of them. Don’t let it ruin your relationships, or the relationships you may have in the future. There is hope, you can always overcome this addiction! With a strong desire to change, and support of those who love you, pornography can be out of your life forever. There is nothing more beautiful than a relationship with trust, loyalty, and love."

- Coral

My first encounter with pornography has very much to do with how I learned about sexuality. At the age of 11 or so, I started to feel myself being attracted to sexual images on magazines and on TV. I started to purchase swimsuit magazines and one day I picked up a pornographic magazine with erotic stories.  The shocking stories I read in that magazine were how I first learned about sex. Come to think about it, my addiction started immediately after I purchased that magazine. I didn’t know it then but I began to purchase more of these magazines. I would read them secretly in my room and stash them under my bed. I don’t really understand why I was so interested in this. Throughout my teenage years, I would read these dirty magazines and masturbate on a regular basis.

I really didn't think it was an issue because every guy friend I knew was doing this.  However, when I met my wife, everything started to changed.  She is very religious and associated my dirty habit with cheating.  We had many fights because of this and I would lie to her just to hide the habit. I would advise anyone that if you watch porn on a regular basis, you have a problem!  I started a recovery program 27 days ago and I learned so much about myself! I was using pornography as an escape from life and I didn't realize it. Most people would associate pornography addicts with the losers in our society who have no future and no life. I am the opposite of this perception. I have a successful career, wonderful wife, and drive an expensive car. However, I would give away all I have in exchange for a chance to start over again and learn about healthy sexuality and stay away from pornography.

Being an eternal optimist, I always think that I can just cure my addiction with my will power and one day it'll go away. My recovery program has helped me to slowly understand my addiction and put me on the right path. If anyone is looking for some motivations to change, through my recovery program I have discovered the following:

• The true meaning of pure love and healthy sexuality.
• An increase of energy.
• An increase in your focus to do the other tasks in your life.
• An ability to better relate with other people.
• Peace of mind.
• The ability to face any obstacles in life. (If you can beat your porn addiction, there isn't anything you can't do!)
• A much better relationship with your spouse.

I now look back and see that I have be living my life at 50% of my capacity. I can't wait to see how much my life will improve after I completely beat my porn addiction!

-Clark

I was introduced to sexuality quite early in my life. When exposed to pornography a few years later my guard was already down and I was easily desensitized to it’s graphic nature. It quickly led to self abuse and further desensitization. I also found during this time that pornography was a lot more available than I had thought....you could find it almost anywhere. This, in itself, became a quest to be able to find it and "check it out.” In those days most people with pornography kept it hid well so it became a game to me that had very stimulating results. I knew it was bad and kept me away from being what I could be and doing what I knew I should be doing.

It was with determined, gut wrenching effort that I could fight it off for periods of time, sometimes for years at a time. My arrogance and pride would lead me to believe that I had kicked the problem, however, temptation would broadside me and remind me of my weaknesses. I hated myself more each time I indulged and felt that God, my family, and others hated me too. About this time life got really stressful; work was stressful, family life got stressful. I felt I had lost the ability to control anything in my life. The stress led to very little sleep and health problems. Eventually doctors and drugs were needed to treat my stress and anxiety. God, family, and others came to my aid, providing me with hope. I was married to a wonderful woman who had helped me believe in myself again and filled me with hopes and dreams and even a greater desire to overcome my pornography addiction. I didn't hide it anymore. I was an addict and needed help.

Finally, I was led to a recovery program. I learned what was causing the addiction and steps I could take to answer the relentless temptations. I faced the facts of my addiction and it's unacceptable costs. I looked long and hard at what I was losing because of my problem. Perhaps the biggest thing I learned was I did not need to be perfect. I accepted the fact that it took me years to develop my addiction and it may take years to get to where I want to be...but if I can see real progress and have someone coaching me along the way, without judgment, I can make the choices that will allow me to stand up after each slip. Am I perfect...NO! Happy YES! Today I take no medications for stress or depression after 20 plus years of doing so. Do I still have stress? Yes. When temptation reaches its boiling point I still self medicate, but not with pornography. I simply count all the great blessings and successes I enjoy in this moment of this hour in this day....

-Bruce

I had just turned 21 when I was first affected by pornography. I had been dating a boy for about 5 months, and we were hoping to marry in the near future. Earlier on in the relationship, he opened up to me about his long past with pornography. He also let me know that it was no longer a problem because he had overcome his addiction. I felt proud of him for his accomplishment, and never felt threatened by his past.

With time, our relationship changed and felt much different than it did in the beginning. Selfishness and disrespect had begun to take place in the relationship. I found myself in tears more often, and wished that I could feel more love from him. I didn’t understand why things had suddenly changed.

One day, I was at his house using his computer. I made an innocent joke regarding websites, and his defensive reaction to my words made me realize that he had been looking at pornography. I began questioning him to see if he would confess. He kept lying saying he wasn’t looking at it, but with my persistence he finally admitted to it. Immediately, I felt sickened and hurt.

The following weeks I consistently followed up with him hoping for a change. Unfortunately, his answers would only cause me to hurt and feel sick again. I began feeling less about myself every day. I didn’t want him to need the pornography. I just wanted him to need me, and to treat me with love and respect.

After a couple weeks of this, we did eventually break up. However, the hurt and damage caused from this relationship haunted me for years. I started to fear that if I didn’t stay skinny or look good, then my future husband would leave me for someone else, or pornography. These thoughts left me obsessing over my image. There were countless nights I cried and felt depressed. I no longer had the confidence that I once had. About a year after the incident, I realized I had a problem. I relocated, and with the love of family and friends, I was able to pull myself out depression. 

Although I was happier, I still felt self conscious of my body image. Within another couple of years, I gained some weight and became extremely fearful of this.  I was angry at myself and felt that I needed to be skinny again. I developed an eating disorder, and started to have more emotional problems. After talking with my therapist, we realized that the cause of my behavior led back to my relationship that was affected by pornography. 

With time, I did over come my eating disorder. I now take care of myself for me, and I’ve stopped worrying about whether or not I’m good enough for someone else. I’ve stopped blaming myself for someone else’s actions. I feel grateful every day that I was able to overcome the hurt and damage from pornography. I am able to sense signs of pornography in others, and hope that they too can become free of the damage it may be causing.

-Kimberly