Seeing our differences is not what separates us, or makes us unequal. Recognizing these points of indifference is what makes us great. Being in a relationship with someone who shares similar interests and hobbies can be rewarding but imagine how incredibly boring life would be if your significant other responded to everything you said with, “I agree” or “same here”. Together, a man and a woman are more than the sum of two people; they are the exponential growth of two people joining forces. So to attempt to make ourselves equal is an injustice to our full potential.
The relationship is at a very fragile stage at this point of putting the other person first. One way that the scales may tip over into the unhealthy range is if the receiver, in this case, Ben wants something that goes against what the giver (Emily) wants. If the giver is so committed to saying yes, that when the receiver asks to watch porn together or be okay with watching porn alone the giver may impulsively say yes, even if they feel uncomfortable with it or it hurts them in some way.
We want to introduce you to a friend of ours named Emily. Emily started dating a boy named Ben who was very different from her. Ben dressed different from Emily, listened to different music than her, and liked different sports than her. At first we were so happy for our friend Emily as she experiences new things, ate at different restaurants and watched different sports on TV with her new boyfriend (surprisingly Emily really liked BMX biking). She really enjoyed spending time with her boyfriend and so she often does what he wants, because it makes him happy, and in return this makes her happy. This behavior is called “putting the other person first” and it’s a slippery slope to loosing yourself, your opinions, your esteem, your interests and your identity.
Loving yourself means taking care of yourself. Doing the things that matter to you and living a life that includes the values that you feel are important. If our friend Emily continues to consistently give to her boyfriend Ben, she will not be taking care of herself and soon her whole world will revolve solely on what he wants. She will not even know what she wants without addressing his needs first. Part of love is being open to receive it. If every time her boyfriend says, “Where do you want to eat?” and she replies with, “I don’t care, where do you want to eat?” she is never even giving her boyfriend the chance to give to her and to make her happy, which he wants to do, otherwise he wouldn’t be with her. Sadly, Ben may be open to the idea of watching Glee or listening to Maroon 5 or to NOT watching porn, but it’s too late, she’s already said yes and opened Pandora’s Box.
When you put another person first you are continually sacrificing your needs, wants or wishes for the other person because you believe that it makes them happy. This type of relationship can work, for a time but ultimately will leave both people unhappy. Resentment, the emotion which relationship therapists agree to be the most destructive, soon sets in and ironically both members of the couple will experience these toxic feelings. The person giving will feel resentment because many of their needs are not being met and the person receiving will feel resentment because they are not able to satisfy many of their partners needs. It is a vicious cycle, and will lead to a failed relationship unless both people are committed to loving not only each other, but also, loving themselves. Loving yourself is not the same thing as being selfish, successful relationships will always have a degree of compromise and sacrifice but no successful relationship will ever contain one or both persons that do not truly love themselves.
So keep your identity, speak up about how you feel or what is important to you. Be with that special someone, don’t become that someone because when we get together and love, life grows.
